Brexiters: A field guide for the connoisseur (Pt3)

What a lot of Brexiters there are! Here’s the third in our field guide to Twitter’s lovely Leavers, beginning with:

  • Ramblin’ Ron: He’s behind Nigel’s march 100%. Let’s see those lazy Remoaners pull off something like that, eh? Has never rambled further than the fridge.
  • The New Radical: Think young folk are all out every night necking disco biscuits and snogging to the point of oxygen starvation? Think again, grandad! This smooth-cheeked revolutionary spends his weekends retweeting Jacob Rees-Flippin’-Mogg! Take that, establishment!
  • Sleepy Stu: Suffers from a rare condition which makes him instantly drowsy when he sees unpalatable facts about Brexit. Businesses fleeing Brexit Britain? ‘Zzzzzzz,’ says Stu. More Leave campaign fraud? ‘Yawn!’ – and he’s out like a light!
  • Disingenuous Dan: ‘I see you’re claiming Brexit will cause harm,’ says Dan. ‘Tell me how?’ Translation: ‘I’ve no intention of listening to you, but want to use you as an excuse to whip out the same pre-prepared rant I’ve inflicted on 20 other people in the last half hour.’
  • Caring Cath: ‘Proud mum and gran,’ says Cath’s bio. ‘Hates animal and child cruelty. Love my hubby and my country.’ With all that as a given, she’s free to spend the rest of her time retweeting stuff that’d make Katie Hopkins think ‘Hang on, that’s taking things a bit far…’
  • Nearly Man: Floundering on the fringes of his chosen profession (pundit, comedian, former late-night regional TV anchor man, whatever), Nearly Man finds his new ‘controversial’ views really put some pep in his profile! Up from 80 followers to 220 already – result!
  • The Latecomer: Joined Twitter this very month, so obviously hasn’t built up a huge social circle just yet – but already has a ton of solidly pro-Brexit views to share! Will get round to adding a user picture soon. Liable to disappear when questions of identity arise.
  • Off-the-Grid Alvin: It’s not all about the economy! So what if big companies quit the UK? Who needs ’em, when you’ve got a big bowl of delicious sovereignty on the table? Luckily, Alvin will never need to use any public services, buy from shops or require medical treatment.
  • Don’t-Care Donna: Doesn’t care what stupid Remoaners think. Doesn’t care if there’s a Loser’s March or a stupid petition. Doesn’t care at all. Not one bit. Not bothered, or riled. Indifferent. And all over Twitter telling you how much she doesn’t care. All day. Every day.
  • Practically Working Class Wanda: Hates seeing the middle class elite sneering at the humble, flat cap-wearing, soot-streaked working folk. Grew up awfully close to a working class area and lived in some shocking flats as an undergrad, she can tell you!
  • Mal Function: Seems to be stuck in a loop, posting the same three gifs and inscrutable nuggets of political theory across dozens of threads. Has anyone considered switching him off and then back on again?
  • The Mathemagician: A wizard at conjuring figures out of the air! Did you know the vote for Brexit was the biggest for anything, anywhere, ever? Don’t look it up, look at this – a million marchers in London is fewer than 77 in a field in Sunderland! Has three followers.
  • The Weather Cock: The EU is a neo-liberal conceit, a bastion of capitalist evil and we must cut all ties … hold on… No, we should have a customs union, but nothing else. No People’s Vote. Hang on … yeah, maybe a People’s Vote – depends what Jeremy’s saying this week.
  • No-Deal Norrie: After the inevitable apocalypse, only cockroaches and Norrie will remain. ‘No Deal? No problem!’ he’ll croak, as he drags himself across the scorched earth. ‘All Project Fear, wunnit?’ he’ll say before expiring, alone but victorious.
  • Ivan Offended: ‘I haven’t read it myself, but I’m positive that thing you said about Nigel Farage is a heinous personal insult to 17.4m people, all of whom have been in touch with me to say they agree 100%.’

    Sunlit uplands, like the ones in our story

(Any resemblance to bots and trolls living dead or malfunctioning is purely coincidental)

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